starchilde_lost | we can never flee the misery that is within us. [Bones]

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we can never flee the misery that is within us. [Bones]

She's not there to apologize. At least that's what she tells herself the entire time she's walking to his hut, arm aching where the she'd been cut and not looking forward to the visit at all. But she needed a doctor to look at her arm and she didn't feel like she could set foot in the clinic yet. And she had to admit, she wanted him to know that she was back. She figured he might have been worried.

But she's not going to apologize. If anything he should, for what he said, for acting like she was crazy to hold onto any hope, any hope at all that her mother was still there. He'd been an asshole and a jerk and she got pissed off all over again just thinking about it.

Kicking a stone off the boardwalk she takes a deep breath to try and calm herself. Emotionally, she's still on a roller-coaster, not knowing from one moment to another how she's going to feel or how it's going to affect her and she knows that's a bad way to be when visiting people, but she doesn't feel like she has a choice.

Her arm hurts and she's not going to apologize.

But when she knocks on his door, there's no one there. Walking around, she tries to look inside, calling his name before remembering - there was some shindig tonight, some casino something or other that she'd seen posters for before... before her little vacation. Figures. Sitting on the front step, she waits, knowing he has to come back sooner or later.

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"Gee, you're observant."

She takes a seat and starts pulling off the bandage she'd done herself. It really isn't too bad, for a deep scrape, but the edges are pinking in a way that makes her nervous in a place like this.

She mutters to herself, tossing the used bandage in a trash can. "Instead I get is Maddie, who shows up now, of all the freaking times."

McCoy frowns at that, giving Rachel a confused look as he starts to clean out the wound. "Hold up, you're jumping ahead here. Maddie?" he echoes, lost. "Who the hell is Maddie?"

Hissing a little at the cleaning, she looks up at him, a little worried. How is he going to react knowing that there's someone that looks just like Jean wandering the island.

"Madelyne Pryor, she's from my world. She... looks a lot like Jean. A lot like Jean."

Right on down to the DNA.

McCoy goes incredibly still. The paleness of his expression definitely has nothing to do with his exhaustion or the drink and everything to do with the realization that he'd just treated a woman who looked a lot like Jean.

"...yeah, I met her," he says, tentatively. "What about her?"

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. That's... awkward. Really awkward.

"Um, nothing. She's nice." So far at least. "She was married to my Dad for awhile, she's a professional pilot."

She tries not to sound like she's hiding a million things, but when talking about Maddie, it's hard. There's just so much... baggage with everything.

"So, if she's from your world and married to your Dad..." He's starting to put the pieces together in a way that makes him think he'd rather have left them loose and out there. "I'm not gonna like the epiphany I'm coming up to, am I?"

"That entirely depends on the epiphany."

She shouldn't have said anything. She knows she shouldn't have said anything, but now that she has, she really doesn't want to, hell, ruin it for her? Get the natives in a tizzy? Put everyone on the defensive?

God, since when does she care what Madelyne-freaking-Pryor thinks?

"I mean, she's not Mom, she's totally different, that's not why Dad married her."

She's making it worse, isn't she?

McCoy feels able to relax, slightly. "She's basically a clone," he interprets. Clones, he can deal with. Hell, for a period of time, he had to watch a clone of himself traipse around with bleach blond highlights and goddamn wings, spouting surfer talk. "Dangerous?"

"Yeah, she was made by this crazy scientist guy-" He really doesn't need to know about that, does he? "But she doesn't know that yet, I don't think. See, everyone thought it was just a coincidence, her looking like Jean, until... we found out."

And as for dangerous, how does Rachel even begin to answer that? Yes, she tried to kill innocent kids, including her own, to bring Limbo to Earth. Yes, she tried to kill her entire family and all of her friends.

"She was a good person, is a good person I guess, now. I haven't seen her yet. But she... fell, I guess. Things went really wrong. And she... stopped being that good person."

McCoy takes in a deep breath as he wonders just what kind of person he'd met the other day. He wonders if she's good or if she's just hiding all the bad until the best time arrives for her to show it. "So, if she isn't so good a person anymore, what happens? You just watch and wait for the shit to hit the fan?"

"I don't know who she is right now." She shook her head. It was so frustrating and confusing and not even remotely what she wants to be dwelling on.

Sighing she watched him cleaning her arm. "I know what she told Nathan, but I know she lied to the X-Men for awhile while she was... well, evil. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, I do, and until we know for sure... I suppose we do wait."

Until she knows for sure, she wants to give Nathan as much of a chance to know the Maddie they all had liked, loved even, instead of the one he's sued to.

McCoy now feels a lot more awkward about plenty of things, including finding her in the way he did. Hell, now he doesn't even know how to confront this woman -- who looks like the one he loved, who's gone. He puts it out of mind for now, focusing on the wound in front of him. "I'm gonna give you a localized sedative, okay?" he says, before injecting her with the hypospray.

"No I'm - Hey!" She shoots him an angry look when he injects her with that... thing. But she appreciates the numbness that spreads in her arm, even if she's pissed he didn't wait for permission.

"Listen, don't... don't tell her you know anything, okay? She's got enough problems not knowing who Nathan is, or having to deal with me again, or how the hell of the rest of the X-Men are gonna treat her. Not your problem."

She can feel the scowl on her face. It may not be his problem, but it sure as hell is hers and she hates it. Why now? What the hell does this island have against her lately?

"It's a goddamn tiny poke," he insists, a bit sharper than he really means to be, but he can't help it. "And I'm not gonna say a word, discretion is key, yeah, I know," he promises, looking at the wound and getting out his kit to start mending the skin with the futuristic stuff. She's been through enough, she doesn't need to sit there watching him pull thread through her skin.

She watches him silently before giving a heavy sigh. She's not apologizing, but there's something she needs to say.

"I'm sorry you couldn't have a life with her here. You both deserved that."

McCoy sobers up at that long enough to realize he doesn't want to spend too much time thinking about it. He shakes his head as if trying to shake the feeling of loss from his shoulders, swallowing hard as he stares at her skin. "Let's not discuss what might have been when it's all gone to shit, now."

"Fine. Whatever." She wasn't really excited to talk about it either and she squirms in the seat, suddenly wanting to run. Hide. Fight.

Anything to not think about this. Any of this. She should have kept her mouth shut.

McCoy quiets as he takes his time fixing the wound, not satisfied until it's fully and absolutely patched up. When it is, he feels the bout of awkwardness wash over him. He clears his throat and manages a brief smile. "So, what's out there that did this to you? Dino, you said?"

"Tree bit me." She looks at her arm, rubbing the new, slightly itchy skin. "The dinosaur was just chasing me. I've been to the Savage Land too many times to let anything that big that close to me. Unfortunately, I don't have three-sixty vision, you know?"

And so she sits, awkwardness growing in her, too. How does she do this? She was nice to him for Jean's sake, sure, but she actually genuinely likes the guy - God only knows why - but she doesn't know how to express that in any way that doesn't sound totally phony.

That, and she's still a little pissed at him. And come to think of it, she does want to bring that up because it really does piss her off and she's not exactly one to let anyone off the hook... ever.

So fixing him with a slight glare, she lets her sarcasm fly. "By the way, thanks so much for helping me look for Jean. Really made me feel better about the whole thing."

Edited 2011-06-30 21:05 (UTC)

"Did you really want my drunk ass out there with you?" McCoy asks incredulously, getting the last of the wound sewn up as he turns to find some ointment to put on that'll keep it from itching. "Cuz, I gotta tell you, kid, you would've been hauling back a lot more than just a cut from a tree. I'm no good, okay," is all he says, roughly.

"I wanted my... friend. Someone who was as worried as I was to help me, even if we didn't... we didn't..."

She got up suddenly, moving away before rounding back. "I would have rather'd dragged your drunk ass around then to... do that alone you... you... jerk."

She crossed her arms, glaring. "And you're no worse than Logan so suck it up. Hell, he stabbed me in the chest once and I put up with that." Well, she'd run away and ended up in the Mojo'verse, but she'd still forgiven him.

Edited 2011-07-01 02:14 (UTC)

McCoy scowls slightly, but she has a point. He hasn't exactly been a great pal to be around and even Jessica seems to be mildly tolerating him lately at work. He's no peach, but he's been worse, these days. "So what, what do you want me to do? Scour the island for a ghost? She's not here!"

"I wanted you to be with me. Humor me. Be a friend." She threw up her hands, feeling the tears in the corners of her eyes and not caring. "Or maybe, just for once in your miserable life, have a little hope that maybe you could be wrong!"

"I'm older than you, kid. And when you get to be my age and things don't tend to turn out very well, you start to look at the negative side. I mean, hell, months before I got here, the whole damn universe nearly got turned into a black hole because one man lost his wife and child. I'm not good at looking on the bright side, but I am sorry," he gets out, struggling to make an apology for something he's not sure he's entirely sorry about. "I should've tried harder, at least for you."

Rubbing at her eyes, she kicks the chair she was just sitting in in frustration. He thinks the universe almost ending was huge, hell, that was just another day back home. Call it the usual Wednesday gig.

Taking a deep breath, she looks up at the ceiling. "Just once, I wanted it to be something simple. For it to not be my family being killed, kidnapped, crazy-cloned, lost in another timeline, lost in the future... just once. I wanted good for more than a few months at a time."

"I know it's hard. Trust me, I know," McCoy points out, considering that he doesn't know the next time he'll be good again or the next time he'll get through the day without the aid of a drink. "There's still other stuff to focus on." For him, he's got Jessica still, Rogue's case, and his vaccines and drugs.

"Like what, the damn tides?"

She sighs, running a hand through her hair in frustration. She feels so useless, so damn useless all the time now, like she hasn't any focus. That was one thing being attacked every other week did, it gave her something to do.

"Sorry, m'just.. I should go."

McCoy sits back and rests his hands in his lap, gesturing to her wound with his chin. "Keep that wrapped. It's sutured up and it's safe, but the last thing you need is an infection because you're letting all kinds of dirt and crap get in there. Any other problems with it, and you come back to see me. Got it?"

"Sure." Rachel looks down at her arm, reaching with a finger to trace the edge of the wound. She still doesn't feel anything, but she imagines that will change and she sighs. Oh, well, at least it means she's alive, right?

Hand on the door she pauses, torn between leaving and staying. Although why she'd stay with the way things are going... Instead, she picks a third option, heading back in the room, right up to the Doctor and throwing her arms around him in a tight hug.

He might not need one, but she sure as hell does.

McCoy's been on the receiving end of enough hugs to know how he's supposed to do this. He shifts to welcome her in closer, a hand on her hair as he pulls her in, swaying gently side to side, the way that Jo always liked her hugs to go. "Thanks," he murmurs softly. "I think I needed that."

"All I wanted..." She's not ashamed of the tears that fall, because they're honest. All she wanted was someone to be there, hold her, not even tell her everything was going to be okay, just acknowledge how hard this all was, how alone it makes them feel.

She needs a father.

"Was...?" He feels awkward about prodding. Hell, he's not sure he'd want to be asked if the tables were reversed, but he can't help himself. It's a damn leading statement and the question is out of his mouth before he can stop himself.

"...this." She can't even begin to articulate what she needed that horrible day, but a hug from someone who feels as awful about it as she does would have been a start. She doesn't have a father here. She doesn't have her uncle, or her best friend. She has her brother, a few friends, but this... at this moment, is the best thing.

She can almost believe what she says about having hope like this.

McCoy sighs and cleans up his hands before reaching out to give her a light tap at the shoulder. "Come on, come inside, come to the kitchen and we'll have some sandwiches while you tell me about what you found out there. You can even entertain the cat."

She gives a slight smile, wiping the last of the tears from her eyes as she nods, following. She can handle a little time with a cat and its owner, maybe it will be good for both of them.

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we can never flee the misery that is within us. [Bones]

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