15*

[starchilde_lost]

Dear Mom Jean Mom

Hi.

You'll never see this, which is probably the perfect opportunity to write it. But since I understand that by the time I'm back with the X-Men, really back and not just hiding at school, you'll be gone and I I'm going to miss seeing you again. Not by a lot, just by a little, and I'm sorry for that. I'm probably being selfish, back at home, and more than a little cowardly because, see, I don't know where we are anymore. I know that what you said to me on Muir Island, and again at your wedding wasn't a lie. I know that, and it means so much to me that you said it, but I left. And things happened. Nathan told me you went to the future, to raise him, and that you were there with me when I finally let go, but that wasn't me. Isn't me, and I don't really know if I can ever be that person again and I don't know if that makes a difference or not.

I was never angry at you about hating me. Sometimes I was really angry at you, and that was probably unfair. I had no real reason to expect you to just accept me, especially since I'd kept it hidden from Scott for so long, but I wanted a family again so badly that I didn't think. I just reached out and you had every right to push me away the way you did.  I was a mess, a reminder of all the horrible things that can happen in our world and another choice about your life made for you. You had every right to resent me.

I know how lucky I am it didn't stay that way between us.

I'm sorry I didn't come right back to the X-men when Nathan brought me home. I'm sorry because I think maybe we could have helped each other, or maybe been there for each other, been that family you promised me even if it was just the two of us and Nathan. That will be my mistake and I think I'll never forgive myself for it. I think it will be a big part of why that Julian kid calls me Marvel Girl - sounds like me, right? And I want to thank you, for being Phoenix again, because I think maybe you did it to honor me a little and since that was why I'd done it for you...so thanks.

I miss you. I love you. And that will never stop.

Your daughter, Love, Rachel

Comments

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[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

[starchilde_lost]

Hi, Logan.

[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

Hey darlin'.

[starchilde_lost]

I really hate this holiday, you know.

[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

I know. She's be proud of you all the same. You shoulda known her better.

[starchilde_lost]

I wish I did. I wish we'd met under better circumstances, instead of mid-battle you know? I always thought that was, like, a sign.

She apologized. To me, for what she said, on Muir Island. She told me that she an' Scott were going to get married and she wanted me to be there. Not just as an X-Man, but like family.

I met my Grandma at the wedding, too. Elaine. Three generations of Grey women in one room...except she's gonna die, too, isn't she? Elaine and all the Greys.

[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

All you can do is value what you've got while you've got it.

I regret missin' that wedding.

[starchilde_lost]

You were missed, but everyone understood. Not like that was actually a good time for you or anything.

[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

I woulda just ended up cryin' or somethin' and embarrassin' myself.

[starchilde_lost]

You know I think there were bets being placed as to whether or not you would pop up when the reverend got to the part where he says, "Speak now, or forever hold your peace."

[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

Hey now, I'd be the first to say they were perfect for each other.

[starchilde_lost]

Doesn't mean you wouldn't necessarily try and give Scott a heart attack.

But I know what you mean. They really were great together, weren't they? While it lasted?

[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

I think you're overestimatin' my malicious streak, missy.

They were perfect together, always had been. I always knew... well.

[starchilde_lost]

Sorry - I'm hitting sore spots aren't I? I just...miss her. I miss everyone.

[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about my sore spots. They'll grow over eventually.

With any luck you'll get to go home and see 'em all soon.

[starchilde_lost]

I'm not sure I want to. You, well the last you, told me things, obviously, and I'm not sure I want to see all that.

[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

You don't always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.

[starchilde_lost]

Gee, thanks, Logan.

[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

Not a Stones fan?

[starchilde_lost]

Guess they're fine. Just not into the whole philosophical thing today.

[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

Alright. Wanna go out an' play some snooker?

[starchilde_lost]

Rain check? Kitty's offering me ice cream and Muppets after my shift, and that's about my speed right now.

...You could join us.

[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

Nah, I won't ruin the girl's night in. Have fun.

[starchilde_lost]

We will.

Logan? Thanks. Without you and Kitty...

[twodogsfighting.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about it, darlin'. That's what family's for.

[phasedcat.livejournal.com]

Oh Ray...you have a family. You have me and Kurt and Logan. The other's too. We're family. I'm sorry you never got to know her like you wanted and that I guess you don't ever get to.

[starchilde_lost]

I know I do, Kitty, it's just...hard. Today.

[phasedcat.livejournal.com]

I know...I wish I could do something. Is there anything I can do?

[starchilde_lost]

I get off early - have some ice cream, popcorn and cheesy movies ready for me?

And...just be you. Best friend I ever had in any time-line.

[phasedcat.livejournal.com]

Sure thing! Do you want cheesy sci-fi with monsters that look like puppets? Or a movie about puppets!

Thank you! You're an amazing best friend too, we cross timelines we're that amazing.

[starchilde_lost]

Let's go with puppets-puppets, I'm tired of monsters. Which reminds me, I'm bringing home a different Beck CD, that one's killing me.

[phasedcat.livejournal.com]

The Muppets movie? Beck is getting old.

[starchilde_lost]

Sounds about as fluffy and harmless as we're going to get.

I know, the sooner Adrastus goes home to Mommy the happier I'll be.

[phasedcat.livejournal.com]

I wonder if that's all it wants...the things I've heard are awful.

[starchilde_lost]

...I know. I'm trying not to think about it. But I spent a lot of time in the Underground yesterday and maybe I wasn't looking in the right places or maybe this thing isn't ready to be found yet, but I came up with nothing.

[phasedcat.livejournal.com]

I don't know it's all bad weird.

[starchilde_lost]

"Bad weird" is a good is a good term.

[phasedcat.livejournal.com]

It's my talent, coming up with amazing terms

[starchilde_lost]

And you do it so well.