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[starchilde_lost]

Rachel was irritated. She knew it was for the most ridiculous reason, but knowing didn't change it as she left the Catscratch. It was late she guessed, but the club hadn't closed yet so she figured it wasn't too late to go see the guy she was irritated with. Not that she was irritated AT him, exactly, more irritated about him, but regardless, after a few drinks, this was the move that somehow made the most sense.

She thought she might regret it later. But what the hell.

After a little while she had to stop to slide the heels she'd been wearing off her feet. They looked great, but weren't made for walking distances and she was unsteady enough as it was. Still the walk was enough to sober her up (a little) and drive her irritation deeper.

How dare he complicate her life like this? Really.

Finding the window that was closest to his room (she was assuming he was in and in bed... she hoped) she reached up to knock on it with her show. And in sheer brilliance, she called out, probably not as softly as she should have been, "Aidan! See, I'm knocking! KNOCKING! Not breaking in, KNOCKING! Let me in!"

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[likesthestooges]

Aidan had been reading when he heard the knocking. He was about to dismiss it at first but it was very quickly followed by shouting from Rachel. The last thing he wanted to do was give his roommates a reason to be upset at him, or to mock him, so he hurried to open the door.

"You also shout. What's the point of knocking if you're just going to shout?"

[starchilde_lost]

Rachel moved around to the door and stood outside, shoes in one hand and the other on her hip. Now that she knew he was awake, her voice dropped back down to a normal volume. "Knocking is polite and I wasn't sure you were awake so I might have shouted a little louder than I should have." She paused. "I'm sorry about that."

[likesthestooges]

Aidan figured that was a decent enough explanation, although nothing said she couldn't knock and then at least wait a moment and see if he answered. It only took one close look to realize why she might not be thinking as clearly as she normally would.

"Come on in," he said, stepping aside. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he thought she might be about to cause a scene.

[starchilde_lost]

"Thank you." She tried to remind herself that she wasn't angry AT Aidan. She wasn't even angry. She was irritated. Like a foot that had sand in its sandal. Just... irritated.

Entering the hut, she also reminded herself that Aidan didn't live alone. She needed to keep it down. It didn't stop her from tapping her foot from nerves.

[likesthestooges]

Aidan had a lot of patience. It was one of the things that came with being so long lived, you tended to get better at waiting for things. Right now, he could wait until Rachel was ready to... say whatever she wanted to say.

"Let me get you some water."

[starchilde_lost]

"Yeah, water... right. Thanks." Now that she was actually here she had no idea what to say and was filled with nervous energy. So while she waited for him to bring the water, she started pacing, trying to find the words. Congratulations, you've won, I'm emotionally invested now, just seemed a little... harsh. Maybe a little accurate, but too harsh to say out loud so she remained silent.

Words were never her strong suit anyways. Other people's thoughts, emotions, actions, those were the places she felt most comfortable. But that was all denied to her right now and her inability to cope with even something as simple as a boyfriend... angered her even more.

So she kept her mouth shut.

[likesthestooges]

"Did the reopening go well?"

Aidan knew that the club was opening back up tonight and had figured that Rachel was there tonight. The fact that she was hungover meant... either it had gone really well or very terrible. Either way the water would help with the hangover.

Handing her the water, he watched to see if he could determine what was bothering her. The trouble with that was that Rachel often lived in a constant state of being bothered by something.

[starchilde_lost]

"The, oh, right, yeah it was great. Place looks great. Music's great. It's just... great." She winced, taking a gulp of water to gather whatever was left of her wits.

"You... you should've been there." But weren't. And that was her problem. "I... I missed you. There."

She took another drink. God, she looked like and idiot and sounded worse.

[likesthestooges]

Aidan wasn't sure if saying he should have been there was an accusation or just saying that she had wished he was there. The fact that she missed him was an interesting revelation though. It would have been more interesting if she wasn't drunk.

"Sorry, I didn't know you wanted me to be there."

[starchilde_lost]

Rachel ran her fingers through her hair and started talking before she had a chance to think about it anymore. "I didn't know until I was there, you jerk. There was this guy and we once... and he was there and we were talking and I just kept thinking about you, you... you-you."

[likesthestooges]

Well. That just happened. Aidan was happy that she was thinking about him, he was, but he wasn't pleased with how upset she was by that fact. That... did not bode well and helped him to keep from getting his hopes up.

"You're upset," he said, although that much was obvious. "Because you thought about me."

[starchilde_lost]

"Yes! Because I shouldn't be. Because it means I'm... getting attached and having feelings and those feelings aren't what I want, Aidan, because they always hurt me in the end." Taking a breath, she realized she was saying way, way, too much but now that she'd started, she didn't know how to stop.

"You can hurt me now because I care. I don't want to, I shouldn't, but I do and I think I hate you for it a little, because I was lonely before but I wonder if lonely isn't better than being afraid of how long it is before you're gone, or dead, or whatever it is that fate's going to hit me with next."

[likesthestooges]

Aidan had seen a lot of loss in his life. He'd dealt with a lot of it too, so he understood where she was coming from. No matter how often you lost people, that never made losing the next one any easier. Not forming attachments may save you from that heartache, but it slowly ate away at your humanity. In the end, you didn't hurt from the loss, but you weren't a person anymore.


He knew that this sort of thing was fleeting, just like she feared, but that meant you had to seize it, not run away from it. You might not ever get another chance.

"Rachel," he said, stepping closer. "Lonely is never better."

Just to prove it to her, he pulled her close and kissed her.

[starchilde_lost]

She didn't know what she expected. Maybe she thought he'd be upset with her, God only knew she probably deserved it with the way she'd been treating him. Keeping him at arm's length, showing up here in the middle of the night, she'd been horrible to him. But when he pulled her close, she gave up. Gave in.

When he kissed her, she always let herself go, stopped being worried or scared and just lost herself in him. Now wasn't any different and maybe that was part of why she was there. Despite it all she cared and being with him was the only time she wasn't terrified of it. Her arms wound around him, holding him tight and she made a sound that was equal parts sob and moan.

[likesthestooges]

Aidan didn't kiss her long, instead he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. He knew this sort of display of emotion wasn't the sort of thing that she liked to fall into and would possibly regret it in the morning, but for the moment he could just hold her and comfort her.

He kissed the top of her head and just held her. The feel of her against him was comforting and he tried not to enjoy it too much, knowing that she was likely to keep him at a bit more of a distance in the morning to make up for this display of emotion. He could deal with that when it happened though.

[starchilde_lost]

She let herself be folded into his arms, warm and safe and she tried to bury all the doubt and worry she couldn't stop feeling. She could enjoy this, she could. She'd managed it with Korvus (until she'd been ripped away from him), she could manage it here. Part of her needed to, needed to dins some kind of ground to stand on. Maybe even consider putting some roots down instead of living here like she expected to be gone the next day.

People lived here for years and years and never saw home.

"I don't know how you're putting up with me." She buried her face in his chest. She really didn't know.

[likesthestooges]

"You do wear very nice outfits," he teased, hoping the joke would ease some of the tension. He could feel her relaxing though, which he took as a good sign. If she didn't pull away soon he imagined that she might just stay like this for a while, which was encouraging.

"But I think you're worth it."

[starchilde_lost]

"Should have seen me dance in it, they have some really good music at that club." She managed a weak smile, finally looking up at him. He damn near took her breath away sometimes, wasn't fair at all.

Rising on her toes, she gave him another kiss. It was the best she had to offer right then. An apology and silent promise to do better. "So are you. Worth it, I mean. In case I forget to say that later, you're worth it. Worth more than me, but I guess that means I'm trading up."

[likesthestooges]

Aidan wanted to ask her what she meant by the fact that he was worth it. Worth starting a relationship? Worth putting up with the frustrating feelings? He wanted to ask but wasn't sure he wanted to get into that conversation just yet. Rachel wasn't completely sober and part of him still thought that had something to do with all of this.

"I don't think you're the one trading up," he said, pressing his forehead to hers before running his fingers through her hair. "And dancing, huh? I thought you were just a bartender there..."

[starchilde_lost]

She poked a finger into his side and laughed. "You know darn well it wasn't that kind of dancing, Mister. They have a good jazz club and I might have cut a bit of rug. Something else you should have been there for."

She turned her face up to his and closed her eyes at the feel of his fingers through her hair. Everything felt better. She'd probably regret a great deal in the morning, but Aidan had a way of making her not care now. Well, Aidan and the drinks she'd had. She liked to think it was mostly him.

[likesthestooges]

"Not as enticing as the other kind of dancing, but good enough to get me to go sometime with you," he said with a laugh. Aidan was getting to like dancing more and more now that it wasn't all about trying not to eat the other person.

"Just for... reference. How drunk are you right now?"

[starchilde_lost]

"Not as drunk as I was when I made the decision to come here." Opening her eyes, she looked up at him, curious, but not so much that she'd pull away to really get a good look at him. She'd sobered up quite a bit on the walk, but was still a little tipsy. "I can probably walk a line, more or less. I'm probably being a lot more blunt than I ought to be. Why?"

[likesthestooges]

"Just trying to figure out how much of this you're going to regret saying tomorrow."

Rachel has never lead him on, she's never hinted that she's wanted more then freaked out when she got it. She's been perfectly clear at every point about what she wants at that moment and what she's comfortable. All the same, the fact that she's confessing this when drunk worried him and made him a bit wary about being pleased with this information.

[starchilde_lost]

"I have no idea. But I'm kinda hoping none of it?"

She hoped. She really hoped because she didn't know if she had the guts to have this discussion again entirely sober. She was convinced that she wasn't having the feelings because she was drunk, she was just able to talk about it.

"Because I don't know if I can do this again, I don't know that I won't chicken out, and I want you to know how I feel. That I feel."

[likesthestooges]

"So what, exactly, are you doing?" Aidan asked.

Yes, she had confessed her feelings to him, but they were feelings that they both kind of knew she had all along. He wanted to be clear on the significance of this before he started making assumptions.

"I just... want to be clear."